Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
