3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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