my vag is so smooth its legendary
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
