I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
