Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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