I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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