Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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