I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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