OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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