I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
