Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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