I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
