If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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