she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
