he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
