I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
