mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
