Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
