that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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