At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
