I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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