I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
