I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
