Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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