She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
