Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
