did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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