Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
