the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
