Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
