If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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