hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
