who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
