also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
