I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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