Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
