Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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