if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
