there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.