So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.