I heard we made out
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
