he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
