It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
