it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dicks are not precious.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
