The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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