Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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