I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
