There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
