she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
