Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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