My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
