I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
