best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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