I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she told me i tasted like america
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
