I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
