Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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