Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize