I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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