someone get that fucking seahorse.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
