I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
