I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
