we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize